I am fucking empty and done. Most of my days are completely wasted doing nothing significant. I rarely make plans to see friends, I stopped running, I cook less, I take less pictures, and most importantly I can’t seem to finish my thesis or even start writing anything new. I pretty much wasted a year with having little to nothing to show for it. I gained a lot of weight and lost almost all my motivation. Even drinking and smoking bores me at this point. There are very few things that give me even the tiniest amount of joy and even those are fleeting (mostly making dumb internet things like gifs or photoshopping shit).
I miss my girlfriend tremendously and I know that when I finish my thesis and (when/if) I graduate I can finally see her again, but even that can’t motivate me enough to really sit behind my computer, put my head down and write.
I feel guilty for every second I don’t spend writing and I feel depressed for every moment that I don’t do anything social or creative and in the end it’s just one big circle jerk between wanting to do something and needing to do something else and I end up with nothing and another wasted day.
I can’t sleep, because sleeping will reset the day and mean another wasted day and I can’t get anything done because I’m exhausted from the lack of sleep. Weeks go by where I don’t leave the house except for groceries and that doesn’t seem to change anytime soon.
JFC, another plane tragedy.
TransAsia Airways GE222 crashed in Penghu, Taiwan during an emergency landing.
Yesterday I passed a restaurant in Rotterdam that was owned by MH17 victims. Friends and relatives had covered most of the street in a sea of beautiful flower arrangements.
Today a little island off the coast of Taiwan is shaken by a plane crash.
I’m not going to take my Amsterdam - Taipei flights as worry-free as I used to.